Tara observed a noticeable change in Spike’s demeanour. Today’s therapy session had not started with its usual ten minute sweet-talk to try to get out of the session. Tara almost fell over when she suggested doing weights and he did not even flinch. She could tell that while he was here in the training room physically, mentally he was in another place altogether.
As Spike lifted the dumbbell for his second repetition, he kept replaying the previous night’s events in his head. Buffy’s confession of sorts had sent him spinning. How did it all get so screwed up?
“Spike, Spike?” Tara snapped him from his thoughts.
“What?” he replied.
“We’re done with the weights. Any more and you will give Big Arnie a run for his money.” Spike laughed at the thought.
“I don’t think I am going to be Governor anytime soon, pet. The rate I am going I will be lucky to be a kindergarten teacher.” He dropped his arms to the side.
“Are you ok Spike? You seem a little preoccupied.”
“Am I that transparent?” he raised an eyebrow.
“Not really I just have a knack for reading people. It’s what makes me good at my job.” She took the dumbbells off him and sat them down on the bench.
“I suppose it is. Do you believe in fate?” Tara looked up as she grabbed the physio ball for him to sit on.
“I guess so. I believe that everything happens for a reason.” She motioned for him to sit. She steadied him as he tried to gain his balance.
“What about things happening at the right time? Do you think everything happens at the time it’s supposed to?” It was the thought that had kept him up since Buffy left his room last night.
“I am not quite sure what you mean?” She took Spikes arms and helped him stretch them over his head.
“Was it supposed to happen this way? If I had not of gotten drunk that night, I would never meet Dru, you know and without Dru, I would not have the band. And the band is everything to me. It made me into the man I am today.” He was trying to work it out for himself more than telling Tara.
“Did you need to be made?” she asked.
“I don’t quite understand what you mean pet.”
“You said Dru made you what you are today. Were you something else before her? What did she do?” Tara stretched his forearms.
“I don’t know really. It all happened so fast. One minute I was in a bar and the next she was my life. I didn’t really have anyone else, so it seemed ok to go along with it. When she looked at me, I could see I hung the stars for her. You know? Am I a bad person to want that? To want the love and admiration?”
“No, that’s what everyone wants. Did she hang the stars for you?”
“No she didn’t.”
“Well I think that’s the problem right there.”
“I guess it is. I have spent the last couple of years feeling like an impostor. Like I was always one-step away from being found out. I’m no rock star. I’m just a guy who can write a song and carry a tune.”
“I’ve seen you perform Spike. The leather, the swagger the hair and where do I start with the look?”
“What look?” Spike had no idea what she was talking about.
“You know?” Tara did her best impersonation of Spike's leer that had been plastered on so many of his albums and tour posters. “The look.”
Spike laughed so hard he almost fell off the ball. Tara steadied him.
“The look was taught to me by our first stylist Lorne. The rest of it is just window dressings. When Dru found me in the bar, I wanted to be anyone else. To be someone she could love.”
“Dru, you wanted to be someone who Dru could love?” Tara asked.
“No not Dru.” Spike was lost in his memories of last night again. The way her hand had felt in his. The way she shivered under his touch.
“Buffy,” Spike looked up upon hearing Tara’s words.
“Tara, hey.”
She looked as good as she looked on her date. As she stood there in her sweats, she looked just as, if not more beautiful. He felt all the air leave the room.
“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were with someone.” She realised who she was with when she finished.
“Hello Spike,” he could tell from her tone that she was not at all that pleased to see him. “Look I will come back later,” she turned to leave.
“No, you can stay. We are almost done. Aren’t we Spike? Spike?” He knew he was staring at her, but he could not help it, one look at her and he turns back to nerdy William.
“Yeah, sure.” He looked away embarrassed that he had been staring at her so blatantly.
Tara helped him onto the floor to start the stretches. She took Spike’s left leg and helped him raise it to stretch. Buffy went to the punching bag and started her work out. Spike watched her from the corner of his eye. She focused completely on the task in front of her. It was that focus that Spike suspected made her a good doctor. Not that he had seen her in action. The one time he was treated by her, he did not have all his senses with him.
All the pieces fell into place for Spike while he watched her. He knew what he had to do. He had to stop running. It was time to be found out.
He was not Spike Giles Rock Star. He was William Giles plain and simple. Who was in love with the girl standing in front of him currently beating the punching bag to a pulp.
It was not going to be easy transitioning into the man he wanted to be, but he knew what the first step was.
“Tara, can we stop for a minute?” Tara looked up. “There is something I need to do. Can you help me up?”
“Sure,” Tara helped him up onto his slightly unsteady feet.
He limped his way over to Buffy and tapped her on the shoulder. She span around angry that someone had dared interrupted her. He saw her eyes soften as she realised it was him.
“I’m sorry Buffy,” his words were softly spoken and unsure.
“That’s ok Spike, I tend to zone out. You just startled me, that’s all.” She turned back to the bag.
He grabbed her shoulders to stop her from turning around.
“No, I’m not sorry about that. I’m sorry for that night, for what I did to you, for what you saw.”
He could see she was more than a little bit uncomfortable. He tucked the stray piece of hair behind her ear like he did so many years ago.
“But, what I am most sorry for is not telling you. All these years I was angry with you for not saying it. I am just as guilty.”
Frozen to the spot for the first time since she had seen Spike in the hospital, he was acting like the William she knew. She could see him coming closer and closer. However, the feeling of his lips on hers still took her by surprise.
“I love you Buffy.”
*~*~*
Chapter 16: You Can Be That Again
She knew.
On some level, Dru had always known. She always had a gift of sorts, to be able to see a person’s true nature. Most of the time it was a blessing, it helped her push people’s buttons, manipulate them into doing her will. However, sometimes it was a curse.
It was with her gift that saw the man Spike could be all those years ago in Willie’s Bar. Ironically, it was the same sense that told her that he did not love her as well.
At first, it did not matter that she did not have his heart. She had every other part of him at her will. She had chipped away at the man he was and replaced it with the one who she wanted him to be. Buffy had helped with that, he had told her the completely silly tale after she had ran out of the room. Right then, she knew she had the ammunition to change him. She played to the fact that Buffy did not love him as he was. Therefore, she changed him into someone else.
She knew her influence was major, but not the only one in his life. Buffy was always there in the background. Dru knew the songs he wrote were not about her. Well, the love ones at least. Songs about lust passion and desire she was sure they were about her. She did not care if the songs were about her, Buffy or his aunt Mary. All that mattered was that they were hits, which made them all rich. Even though she did not have his heart, she was the one that reaped the benefits from it.
As she watched the scene in the gym play out before her, she needed no such gift to know what was happening.
~
Buffy pulled back abruptly from his kiss.
"Don’t Spike," she moved away from him.
"What are you doing? Did you think you could just walk in here and say a few nice things and then be with me?" Her words stung him.
"No. I would never presume not after." He looked up at her knowing he did not have to finish the sentence.
"It’s just that I’m tired Buffy. Tired of all the lies and deception. I just want to be me again." His shoulders sagged as he sat down on the gym bench.
"I worked so hard all these years to be whatever I needed to be. In order to get what I needed to get. I thought if I changed, it would be enough. What I wouldn’t have done to be hers."
Buffy’s heart ached at his words. She turned to storm out.
"I don’t need to hear about what you did to get Dru. What kind of sick game are you playing at Spike? You tell me that you love me, and then proceed to give me a rundown of your seduction of Dru. I am better than this."
His words stopped her in her tracks.
"Yours, I wanted to be yours. At the start, I wanted to be the man you wanted. You didn’t want me, so I thought if I became the opposite. You would love me as much as l loved you. I kept trying to find you to show you the kind of man I had become."
He had not meant his explanation to sound so desperate. Nevertheless, the truth had been bottled within him for so long that he could not stop it from all spilling out at once.
"And what was Dru? Did you really think I would just forget about you two?"
"I can’t say she was a mistake. In some ways, I wouldn’t be here without her. However, I can say I did the wrong thing. I used her for all the wrong reasons. She gave me what I wanted, the love, passion and desire. But, I didn’t want them from her. I wanted them from you."
"I don’t know if I can give them to you Spike. Not after all this time, after all that’s been said and done." Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.
"I know. I don’t say these things to make you feel for me. I say them because they are true. I am sick of lying. All these years I felt like an impostor. That I was always one-step away from being found out. It never felt right. I thought if I kept running from the truth it would be okay. When I am with you, it feels right. The truth feels right."
He let out the breath he had no idea he was holding.
Buffy took in his words. "I know what you mean. I guess the truth feels right because it is." She stepped towards him. "I have spent so long being angry. Too long. Its time to move on."
"What does that mean Buffy?" She sat down beside him on the bench. "How do we move on?"
He moved his hand and took hers in his. His heart soared, as she did not snatch it away.
"I don’t know." She sighed.
Buffy looked down at their entwined hands. Spike was right; the truth did feel right. Her body shivered as he gently stroked her with his thumb. As if of its own accord, she leant into him and rested against him.
Spike chuckled. She looked up him questioningly.
"Do you remember the time we dared each other to eat three tubs of ice cream?"
"Remember, I still have the cold headache from it." She smiled at the memory.
"Maybe that’s what we should do then." He raised his brow.
"What eat gallons of ice cream?" She laughed at the thought.
"Tempting, but no. We were friends once Spike, before all this mess started. Perhaps that is what we should be now. Friends."
"I will on one condition?"
She frowned at his response. She wanted there simple friendship and he wanted to set terms and conditions. She rolled her eyes and got up from the bench.
"You say you want the truth but you want it on your terms. Gee Spike I don’t think this is going to work." She started for the door.
"William," she stopped in her tracks. "Please call me Will. Spike, he is a lie. Will is who I am. Will is your friend, was always there for you. Can I be that again please?"
She turned and looked at the man sitting before her. In so many ways, he was still the boy on her bed all those years ago.
"Yes Will. You can be that again."
*~*~*
Chapter 17: Without Her I Am Nothing
A/:N:Song in the chapter is in italics and is called the Special Two its by a singer/songwriter called Missy Higgins.
Spike sat up in his hospital bed, he should be feeling drained between the heavy physio session and the even heavier heart to heart with Buffy. Instead, he felt better than he had in ages. He had not realised how much effort it had been pretending to be something he was not.
There was only one reason for it.
“Dru,” he looked over at his dark princess in the doorway.
So much had passed between them over the years and as easy at it would have been to right them all off as a mistake. He knew it was not the case.
“You look better,” Dru made her way to the bed to get a closer look.
“Yeah, that’s what clean living and a dose of daily physical therapy will do for you.”
She sat on the bed and ran her hand down the side of his face.
“That’s not the reason. The truth, it suits you,” he shifted uncomfortably in the bed. He hated her ability to read him at times.
“Dru,” he started.
“I would say that I let you go. But that implies you were mine to begin with.” She stared into the distance, unable to look him in the eye.
He had seen many expressions cross Dru’s face in his time. However, never before had he seen such sadness. It pained him to be the cause of it.
“I’m sorry,” he took her hand and held it in his own.
“Are you sorry Spike? For all the things I did for you, to you?” the sadness was giving way to anger now.
“I am not sorry. What we had, it was good, and it worked well for us. I don’t regret our time, love,” he meant the words.
“Lets not pretend Spike, I might be a lot of things to you, but I am not your love. Never have been, have I?” the question hung in the air.
“No,” he struggled to find the right words.
“All the success was mine. I made you.”
“I know and I am forever grateful for that Dru. You were my salvation.”
“But, you are lost to me. She has taken you away; she took you away the night she ran from your room.” They both knew it was the truth.
He wanted to lie and say that he loved her to make things simpler, not for him but for Dru. Nevertheless, as much as Buffy deserved the truth, Dru deserved it more.
“Yes, she took away my heart. But, you did have me Dru; for a while you did have me.”
Dru stood up to leave.
“Without me you would be nothing.” Her voice was cold.
“I know that, but the thing is Dru, without her I am nothing.”
~
As Buffy opened the door to her apartment, she heard her machine click on.
“Buffy here, leave it after the beep.”
“Hey Buffster, its Willow. Just calling to say hi and well, Tara sort of told me what happened in the gym. Are you okay? Call me.”
She let the machine get it, talking to Willow would help, but she needed time to figure out the day.
She was okay, better than okay. Since she had spoken to Will today, she had felt the weight of their broken friendship lift from her shoulders.
It felt good to be friends with Will again. Like a piece of her that had been missing for so long had been found. It gave her the strength to do what she had put off for years.
She had never heard one of his songs, with the exception of the other night in the ward. She wore it like a badge of honour, one of only a handful of people in the country that had not heard his music.
At first, it had been too hard. To hear the voice that had whispered sonnets sing about life love and what not. Things that he had shared with only her were now Top 40 hits.
On the way home, she had stopped at HMV and bought a best of album, “The Quickest Way to Play Catch Up”. She felt she needed to know about his past in order to move onto the future.
After she had showered and changed into her pyjamas, she poured herself a glass of red wine and with shaky hands, she placed the CD into the stereo.
As she sat down on the sofa, his voice filled the room as if he was sitting next to her.
I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
and it was then I realized the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a life.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
and if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.
I remember someone old once said to me:
"that lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
and couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
but if by chance you change your mind you know I will not
let you down 'cause we were the special two, and will be again.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.
I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself,
just remembering, just remembering how we were...
When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
these hands would not be taught to hold another's,
we we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.
The tears she did not even know she was shedding flowed as the song finished.
“Yes Will, we are the special two.”
*~*~*
Chapter 18: Dr Summers, I Presume
Spike sat on the bed scribbling furiously away as if the words would vanish from his head if he did not write them down. His hair had grown; it was longer than it had been in ages. The blonde that used to cover his head now framed it like a halo. Hair stylists were not a big priority in a hospital. His glasses sat crookedly on the tip of his nose. Buffy smiled as she watched him push them up. He had had a nervous twitch since high school. He looked as though he had left badass rocker six stops back. He looked like William. She liked it.
It took her back to high school when they would sit on each other’s beds for hours talking about everything, nothing and the space in between. Sometimes she wished they were back there on her bed solving the world’s problems. Instead of now feeling like they were both contributing to them.
“Hey you,” her words broke him from his scribbling.
“Dr. Summers, I presume.” He moved his notebook and papers off the bed.
Buffy was a little disappointed as he took off his glasses and placed them on the side table. She enjoyed the trip down memory lane that they had evoked.
“I just finished my shift, thought I would pop in and say hi.” She had not bothered changing from her hospital gear, she stood there white coat and all.
“I’m disappointed pet. I thought the get up was to indulge my long time doctor and nurse fantasy,” she blushed, as he looked truly disappointed.
“Now don’t look so disappointed, I am sure I can rustle you up a cute nurse’s uniform. Maybe even a nice nurse in it.” She half joked.
“No, doctors are more my style.” An involuntary shiver ran through her, as he looked her up and down. “All those big words and fancy terms. It’s hot.”
Buffy agreed it suddenly had gotten hot in the room. She knew this line of conversation would not lead to a good outcome. She moved to a safer subject.
“How have you been?” she asked.
“Same old same old. Breakfast, physio, lunch followed by Passions, some more physio then dinner. Feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day without Sonny and Cher. At least when I was getting sponge baths it added some variety to the mix. How about you love?”
She sighed as she sat on the end of the bed facing him. Her body visibly relaxed as she sat. It had been a long day.
“Just come off an eighteen hour shift in the ER. So, you know peachy with a side of keen.”
“Wanna tell me about it?”
“You really don’t want to know about the two car accidents, four stomach pumpings and don’t get me started on the guy who ‘slipped’ in the shower and sat on a carrot.” She cringed as she relived the memory of her shift.
“Sorry I asked.”
He laughed as she swung her legs up onto the bed carefully not to nudge his broken one.
“Foot rub?”
“Thanks for the offer, but I will pass. Trust me when I say, you do not want to be near my feet after the night I’ve had.”
“You should go home love. Get some shut-eye. Don’t waste your time with the likes of me. I know how precious it is.” He tried to keep the disappointment from his voice. As much as he wanted to spend time with her, he knew she needed her rest.
“I know too.” She looked him in the eye to make sure nothing would be lost in translation.
“Time is precious, I know that. It’s why I am here, making up for lost time.” His heart warmed at her words.
He wanted to let her know that he treasured all the times they has spent together. However, he did not want to overwhelm her. She had just come back into his life; he did not want to scare her away.
“So have you finished it yet?” she asked enthusiastically.
“Nope, I was waiting for you pet.”
Spike smiled as he reached over to grab the newspapers crossword. It had become their thing. It made him feel good, not so much the doing of the crossword, but that they had something that was theirs. Something they did together that they did not do with anyone else. The pieces of the friendship that had been so strong were falling back into place. With it came the strength to put the pieces of himself back into place too.
Two hours and one crossword finished, Buffy yawned.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to be rude,” he smiled at the thought.
“Love, you have been here for over twenty hours now. I think I am the rude one for keeping you here.”
“What, did you tie me to the bed? No, I am here because I want to be here.” Visions of Buffy tied to a bed overtook his mind temporally. He shifted uncomfortably to hide his arousal.
“I should go; you need to get your rest.” Buffy noticed he looked uncomfortable, she felt bad for keeping him up so late.
“No stay, you look tired. Why don’t you lay down here for a minute and get some rest.” He moved to the side to make some more room for her.
“Wouldn’t the hospital gossips just love that?” She stood to leave as he caught her hand.
He tried to hide his disappointment at her leaving. He longed to be near her. Although he would never admit it to anyone let alone himself, he looked forward to this part of the day more than anything. He craved Buffy, to be near her, to talk to her, to hold her.
He pulled her back down onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around her. She responded in turn. They sat there revelling in the closeness of each other. Eventually she pulled back. There faces were inches apart. They looked into the other’s eyes. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.
“Thank you Buffy. Thank you for this. For saving me. For forgiving me. I know I don…” She cut him off by placing her finger against his lips. He fought the urge to take it in his mouth and suck it with everything he had.
“Will don’t. What’s done is done. Time is precious; let’s not waste it on things we can not change.” She kissed him on the cheek and got up off the bed.
“Till tomorrow pet?”
“Till tomorrow Will.”
*~*~*
Chapter 19: A Book, How Boring
Buffy did not know when it became a habit.
Over the past two weeks, she had visited Will after her shift ended. Sometimes it when it was late, she would find him asleep on the bed with a note beside him. “Wake me when you get here.” She never did, could not bring herself to disturb his peaceful sleep.
When he was awake, she stayed for hours, catching up on the past eight years of the good, the bad and the ugly. They did stay away from two subjects, his relationship with Dru and her relationships in general.
She found out about his break up with Dru by reading it in the paper. Dru was no longer the bands manager and in the statement issued, she wished the band and all its members every success in the world.
She was glad her shift had finally ended, as she made her way to his room. She had not bothered to change from her hospital garb. She had found Will a present. He only had two more weeks of therapy to go and he was feeling better than ever. The down side to that was the boredom was driving him insane.
She had found the perfect remedy for it and as she looked at it in her hands, she could not wait to give it to him.
As she got closer to his room, she could hear the sounds of laughter coming from within. She stood at the doorway to see the rest of the band standing there. She recognised them from the CD that, not that she would admit this to anyone, was on permanent repeat on her CD player.
“Hi, I’m so glad you’re here,” Will gesture for Buffy to sit on the bed. She did not move from the doorway.
He looked happier than she had seen him in ages. He looked at home with his friends. She had grown accustomed to seeing him out of his element. It seemed strange to her to see him so at ease in his old life. She felt like an outsider looking in.
“I can see you have visitors,” she could feel every eye in the room looking her up and down. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“No stay, I want you to meet the band,” he could see the hesitation on her face. “Buffy, love stay.”
Will was oddly hurt at Buffy’s reluctance to stay and meet his friends. She knew she was not star struck. She had paid no interest in the band. He was used to people falling over themselves to meet him and the band. He tried to make her feel at ease. However, he could tell it was not working. Did she not want to be a part of his life? Ashamed that her friend was a lowly rock star, not some hot shot orthopaedic surgeon like the great Captain Cardboard.
“This is the infamous Buffy? No way,” the petite blonde that Buffy guessed was Anya, asked as she pushed her way through to get a closer look. She was not sure, but her hair was a different colour than it was on the CD cover. She took her hand and shook it vigorously.
“Wow, I never thought we would ever get to meet you and say thanks.” Buffy’s hand was going numb from the handshake.
“Oh well, I didn’t really do anything. I just saw him as he came into the ER its Dr. Finn you should thank he is Wi... I mean Spike’s treating doctor.” She eventually removed her hand from Anya’s grip.
“No, not for treating him silly. For being his muse,” she did not know what this girl was going on about.
“What, I don’t understand,” she looked questioningly at Will.
“Anya, back off,” he warned.
“Listen to him Anya. Hey B, hows it going?” Faith asked.
“Not too bad Faith. How are you?” she asked trying to block out the tension that was currently escalating in the room.
“Five by Five, B.”
“Spike man, you are rude, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?” Buffy smiled at them as if she did not know who they were.
“No need. I am fairly sure I know who you all are. Angel, hi,” she shook his hand. She walked over the last member she was yet to meet. “Xander is it?”
“Yeah, pleased to meet you.” She shook his hand. Buffy had a strange feeling that everyone was staring at her. She tried to subtly check that she did not have anything on her face.
“So what brings you here B?” Faith asked knowingly.
“Um, I was just checking Mr. Giles chart.” She moved to the end of the bed looked at the chart and started to leave.
“Pet, don’t go.”
“Its ok, you seem busy. I’ll come back tomorrow,” she tried to keep the sadness from her voice.
“To check the chart,” Anya teased.
“Um, yeah. It was nice to meet you all,” she started to leave the room.
“Who’s the present for B?” Faith stopped her.
“Um, yeah, someone left it at the nurse’s station. I thought I would save them the trip.” She did not want to reveal the real reasons behind the present to his band. She did not want to ruin his rep as a badass rocker.
She handed the present to Will.
“You don’t have to open it now or anything. It’s nothing special, probably a pair of panties from a crazed fan.” She was trying to sound casual.
“Looks like a book to me. Open it Spike, we want to see.”
Geez did that Anya chick ever shut up. She watched him as he ripped the paper off.
“Wow.” Will turned the book over carefully trying not to damage it.
“A book, how boring,” Anya interjected.
“Not just any book. It’s the first edition of Great Expectations, my favourite,” Will looked at Buffy.
“Thank you.” His gaze was causing her to blush.
“I didn’t, I just delivered it,” she lied.
“I didn’t know you could read bleach boy.” Angel teased.
“I do, very well in fact,” he never broke his gaze with Buffy.
“I guess you will have tons of time to do that on tour next month.” Xander looked up from his magazine.
“Tour?” Buffy sounded surprised. Over the past weeks, they had spoken about most things going on in their lives. Not once had he mentioned a tour.
“We are starting back our tour love. I was going to tell you, the details have only just come through.” Buffy started to back from the room. He was going again. What had she expected, for him to live in the hospital for the rest of his life?
That is when it hit her, reality. As much as Will could be himself here in the safety of the hospital, he had a life, a job. She looked at his band mates and pondered the life he lived. Tours, groupies, a new town every week, she did not belong not in that world. Not with him.
“How long?” she asked.
“Not long love. You can come visit anytime…” he started.
“How long Spike?” Hearing that name on her lips caused him to wince.
“Nine.”
“Nine weeks!”
“No love, nine months.”
*~*~*
Chapter 20: Aren't You Tired
Buffy knew what she was doing. She was avoiding.
It had been a week since she had found out about the tour from Will she had not seen him since then. Well, that was not entirely true. She had seen him. After her late shifts, she would go up to his room to watch him sleep. He seemed so at peace looking at him like that made her think that things were simple.
As he slept, he was just a man. A man she loved, had loved for most of her adult life. A man who made her laugh, cry and all the space in between. A man she could give herself completely to.
Nevertheless, in the cold harsh light of day, he was none of those things. He was a rock star, on the road most of the time, having the affections of most of the female population being offered to him all the time. She had nothing to offer him that could compete.
Therefore, she did not even try to. She was hiding in so many ways, not only from Will, but also from her own feelings.
Buffy knew what she was being, immature. Storming off in a huff like a three year old that does not get what they want. Refusing to speak to Will, refusing to face reality. Being safe, being a coward.
She knew if she saw him, he would explain the tour, his life and her place within it. He had a way of making things seem so simple when in reality they were so far from it.
She sighed as she walked into the staff lounge. Her shift was over; she checked her watch. Too early, to see Will. She would have a quick shower to wash the last twelve hours from her and head home. She started pulling her things from her locker.
“Miss me love?”
She turned to see Will sitting on the lounge as casual as could be. It was not fair why he was the only man in history that made pyjamas and a dressing gown look sexy. She shook the naughty thoughts she was having from her mind. So much for being safe.
“Will Hey. I was just coming up to--” She was trying to sound convincing. She failed.
“Save it Buffy, you always were the world’s worst liar.” His stare was unnerving.
“What are you doing here? It says 'Staff Only' on the door.” That’s it Buffy, the best form of defence is attack.
“That’s right isn’t it? I am just a rock star, can’t even read a door sign. Too dumb to be you friend.” He could hear the whine in his voice. He knew he was acting like a child, but damn it. She started it.
He had wanted to remain cool and aloof, not to show how much he was hurting. He was not going to let her off that easily, if she would not come to him, hell or high water he would find a way to get to her.
It had not been easy. It had taken all of his charm and energy to make it down here. With only a week left of therapy to go; he was getting stronger everyday. He had convinced the nurse on duty that he needed the exercise, but not the company of a nurse as he walked around the hospital.
He needed to see her, but she was avoiding him. At first, he thought she was just busy but by the third day, she had not come to see him; he had figured it out.
She was ashamed of him. It had all changed when she met the band. He saw her face drop as she introduced herself to them. She did not like his friends, his life and the person he had become.
“You shouldn’t be here.” Buffy crossed her arms across her chest in a subconscious way of protecting her heart from him, as though his words would penetrate through.
“Are you still talking about the staff room pet? Or are you talking about your life in general?” He tried to read her reaction to his question. He was done playing games. He had to know where they stood.
“Does it matter which?” She ran her hands through her hair in frustration.
“What do you mean Buffy? Of course it matters.” He let his hurt show through. As much as he did not want to hear the answer to the question, he knew it needed to be asked.
“Will, what we have here is temporary. We live in this bubble of crosswords and late night chats and--”
“It’s great. Some of the best times of my life I reckon,” He was not going to let her write off the last few weeks. He would fight for her, for the both of them.
“Haven’t had so much fun, since high school, since--”
“That night,” she finished his sentence.
“Do you regret what we did?” It was the question he wanted to ask her after all these years.
“Yes,” she saw the hurt cross his face. His shoulders sagged as his worst fears were realised.
“But, not in the way you think. If we hadn’t …” she searched for the right words.
“Made love,” he interjected.
“Did what we did. I would always wonder about it. Have this dream of what could have been.”
“So, the reality was a let down?”
“Just the opposite. To have shared what we did, to know how good you could have it, to have had a taste of what love is all about. Then to know you can’t ever get that back.” The tears were forming in both their eyes. “To have the reality and knowing that it can never be that way again, that’s what I regret” her tears flowed freely now.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. What we have now is great, better than great,” he had to plead their case.
“I agree but it is not real. We can’t live our lives here at this hospital. One day soon, you are going to leave and who knows when you will come back.” He could hear the anger in her voice and see the uncertainly and fear in her eyes.
That is when it hit him. He could be dumb when he worked at it. She was not ashamed of him; she was scared. Scared of her feelings for him, scared of forming a relationship that might end soon, and in typical Buffy style she was doing what she did everything she was scared, she was running away.
However, this time he would not let her run.
“Aren’t you tired pet?” he asked.
“Well yeah, I just pulled a twelve hour shift. But, that’s not the issue here.” She was trying to be strong, avoiding his gaze. She knew one look from him and all her reasoning would fade away.
“I meant tired of running, from us, this, what you feel.” He stood up using the crutches as support. As he made his way over to her, she did not attempt to move away.
“I’m not running Will. Just seeing the whole picture, one that exists out side these hospital walls.” She could be strong about this; she had too.
“Okay then, let’s have a look at the bigger picture,” he took her face in his hand and bent down and kissed her.
